Change is inevitable… unfortunately or fortunately depending on what the change is, and the perspective and disposition of the person experiencing it.
It can be all very exhausting or at least this is how I currently feel about everything right now. Seasons roll by, one after the other, the earth, the night sky continually moving, all living things grow, mature, and die. Jobs, opportunities, ideas, health, sickness, pets, loved ones, the economy, peacetime, wartime, asleep, awake, everything is ever changing. Nothing is certain, it’s all tragic, bittersweet and exhilarating. We are so small, but we weather it all.
Changes have a way of putting things in proper perspective. When I lost my father unexpectedly everything seemingly important became trivial and insignificant. I thought I had more time with him, I thought he would still be here to see my children become adults. Months before he passed he left me a voicemail, just a “hey its dad, call me back, love you”. Normally I would have heard it and deleted it. After he passed the message was still there and its still on my phone today. I can play it every once in while, just to hear his voice. Its been almost 4 years, but sometimes its hits me so hard how much I miss him. Especially with my venture into Orthodox Christianity this past year, I would have given anything to talk to him about it. He was in a way not just my father, but a spiritual father to me. He made me think of God and the church, the bible on a deeper level. I’ve always been religious, but always felt alone spiritually, didn’t have someone to guide me until I got closer to my father. My father was Lutheran, and he truly loved Christ and wanted to worship him properly. Would he be mad that I became Orthodox or would he be accepting, maybe become Orthodox himself?
The past several years I felt that I was in a spiritual desert so to speak, until I found Orthodoxy. Now I feel like I have been drinking from a water hose on full blast, drowning myself in Christian thought. I have found friends and family within our lovely church. I have opened up, made myself vulnerable, worked hard to shed my hardened heart and skin fashioned from being in the world. Opening up and confessing my sins to our parish priest, and every week he spoon-feeds me the body and blood of Christ for my salvation. Needless to say you get attached, well at least I do. Maybe I’m sentimental to a fault, but when our priest, without ceremony or regret, shared the news of his new job within the church and move to another part of the country, I was heartbroken. It’s not his fault I became attached to him for spiritual guidance. If my father was still here maybe I would brush it off and know that the replacement would suffice. I don’t know, I probably would still be sad.
Change is inevitable, whether I like it or not. I’m currently in the angry stage of grief, which I find to be easier than the sadness. I have no doubt I will move to the acceptance phase in time. Maybe the new priest will be more compassionate, more helpful, or maybe not. It doesn’t matter, because even he might leave one day.
Everything might change, but one thing remains the same, that would be God. Everything around you and even you will change, but you can set your anchor into Christ. It is He that hears our confession and forgives, it is He that sustains us with His body and blood, and it is He that will never leave and always be your Father. In the end, thank God for change, how can I grow and be fruitful if everything including myself is stagnant. God is perfect and never-changing, the way it should be. I am and all humanity are imperfect, but through change we can become what we were created for through Christ. If not through Christ then change is truly tragic and heartbreaking.
I’m truly grateful to my father, my husband, my step-father, my parish priest and everyone in my life, as God put them along my path. I can only hope and pray that in my existence I can bring someone closer to Christ.
Writings from behind the Pine Curtain 