In Excess

It would seem the time at Christmas and afterwards are filled with decadence and excess. What else is there to do besides buying and eating? Moderation is for wussies, its Feast or Famine!

Its February and I’m 10 pounds heavier, 10 grand poorer, and 10 scrolls closer to a mental breakdown. Okay everything was an exaggeration except I have gained 10 pounds. I am a fan of all the bodily pleasures of eating, spending and scrolling on social media. Give me those dopamine hits! Then there comes a time when it all comes crashing down and the meaningless of it knocks me down. To top it all of I’m not exactly repentant as I should be (as I’m writing this I am enveloped in my favorite cashmere cardigan). I’ve been reading the A Spiritual Psalter from works of St. Ephraim the Syrian. I saw one prayer titled “I Cannot Manage My Own Self; Grant Me the Spirit of Repetance.”

An exerpt reads

“Bad habits entagle me like snares, and I rejoice at being thus bound. I sink to the very depths of evil, and this delights me. Daily the enemy gives me new shackles, for he sees how this variety of bonds pleases me. The fact that I am bound by my own desires should provoke weeping and lamentation, shame and disgrace. And yet more terrible is the fact that I bind myself with the shackles that the enemy places upon me, and I slay myself with the passions that give him pleasure.

At first I thought it was a bit dramatic for excessive online shopping, but it’s actually quite brilliant. How often are we aware of how certain behaviors control and destroy us; yet we happily keep on trucking along. Whatever it takes to distract us from our reality.

Another excessive habit of mine is the drive to learn (or obsess) about a new skill, hobby, or really anything that sparks interest or something inside me. Christianity is not new to me, I’ve considered myself a Christian for a while now, almost a lifetime. As I mentioned in a previous blog that I stumbled my way into an Orthodox church. So of course I need to read, see, absorb any information regarding this path. This can be a good thing, nothing wrong with being passionate up to a point until it becomes excessive. The thing is I know myself, like any new romance everything is exciting and fresh, but eventually it will become a routine. I suppose I feel the need to utilize the fervor into reading everything Orthodox. As great as this all sounds, in reality I’m going too fast and feeling overwhelmed. I should have probably listened to the priest when he reminded me “that we are not in a sprint but a marathon”, and to “be prudent”.

Now having to deal with the consequences of my actions, feeling physically and mentally sluggish, spiritually heavy and the burden of debt that needs to be repaid, feasting time is over.

Scrolling endless scrolling
my fingers trained against
the worldly reflecting pool
Where are they taking me
What must I know
Will I laugh
or cry
unintelligable wasps stinging into my thoughts
a cacophony of technologic discord
endless decadence in my mouth
sweet poison infiltrating my soul

This is where I need to focus on being repentant and recoiling from worldly excesses. Great Lent is approaching so what could be more perfect time to reflect on and live in actual reality. That I am a broken being living in a broken world, but made whole again through Christ.