Panic! It’s Life.

This will most likely be many posts about anxiety since it almost runs my life. It is a bit pathetic to admit most of my life’s decisions in the past 12 years had to take in account my anxiety disorder. It seems weak that I’m even writing about it, as most of the modern world struggles with anxiety in one form or another. It’s not a talent, it’s not a special condition, I am just like every other person living in this toxic world.

Anxiety comes and goes like ocean waves. Sometimes the water is nice and calm, other times a bit choppy, then there are the times the waves are relentlessly crashing over you, while undercurrents of despair threaten to pull you under. The comparison of the feeling of anxiety coming and going like ocean waves inspired the poem written at the bottom.

I had a few good years of controlling my anxiety until this last summer. Maybe I experienced too much change at one time, new job, new routines, new church. Most of this was self-inflicted, did I really need to change churches? Did I really need to go for a promotion? Everything is great, going so good, then why the hell was I in turmoil. For me once I have one panic attack then it’s all downhill from there. Its basically a train wreck, first the collision then one by one every car derails. Church was the hardest, I could hardly stay in the sanctuary. I thought for a sure I was possessed and it was only a matter of time before I started crawling on all fours yelling obscenities. (Luckily this hasn’t happened yet). I prayed to God, please take this from me, I’ll be good this time. Which is a lie, I would easily fall into the material world as soon as I felt normal again.

Eventually I did reach out for help, which has been a learning experience for me. Independence is a cherished value in our culture. A person that is self-sufficient, a “go-getter” and shrewd are qualities that one aspires to be in this world. Honestly, I wanted to rely on myself because people are a disappointment. My experience has been once you open up to someone and become dependent, they will just stab you in back eventually. Basically I just wait around, expecting to be let down. This is why religion is so important. People will let you down, but if you practice forgiveness the relationship can be repaired. You will let others down, but if they forgive you then your suffering will be lessened. Only through Christ can we attain peace, even if the world falls apart around you, and others spit upon you metaphorically. I’m trying to be better, I feel inadequate as a wife, as a friend, as a mother. Striving to follow Christ’s example I clumsily put away my rebellious and independent nature. I’m learning to depend on others and be a type of person that others can depend on me. It’s not going to take away my anxiety, but at least I can bear it a little easier.

Anxiety

Stranded in a vast ocean of unchecked thoughts
little doubts lapping against my cheek
tides of childhood disappointments rising up
flooding the present with uncharitable gifts
I can't see
There is no island of refuge, no hope remains
tendrils of despair
wrapping its flames across my neck
slowly tightening little by little
heavily weighing ounce by ounce
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I can't breathe
I can't

Shine down on me my Lord
Salty skin
sea weed ensnared hair
a wretched being
basking in a sliver of light